revis pevis!

i am suing darrelle revis! he owes me big time! allow me to lay out my case before this court of readers. i'm sure you would agree.

revis hold out day 1 -
so...little known fact about me, i am an agent for professional athletes in the off-season. surprised? i know. anyway, i'm just chillin one day eating a cheeseburger and some fries when revis hits me up saying that he wants to renegotiate his contract. so i wiped my greasy hands off on my suit and got in my car to drove to the airport. when i got to new york, i got a cab and the cab driver didn't speak english and dropped me off at the trump international hotel. i knew it was pricy but it started raining so i went ahead and checked into an executive suite (the only room available at the time...that i liked.)
rolling total:
unfinished burger: $7
suit: $800
airline ticket: $737
hotel for 1 day: $1600

revis hold out day 2 & 3 -
so revis reveals to me that he's tryna get paid so i told him that i needed to do some research on what's the best way to get my client the money he feels he deserves. that's when i noticed my w.w.j.m.d. (what would jerry mcguire do) wristband. that's when i knew i had to brush up on my skills so i popped in the jerry mcguire dvd. so on day 3, revis and i went into the meeting with the jets confident that we were going leave out of there with a deal. so i said, "show me the money!" they kicked me out and told revis that nothing had been decided and rescheduled the next meeting for a week out.
rolling total:
dvd rental: $12
meeting fee: $500
getting kicked out of the meeting fee: $300
hotel for 2 days: $3200

revis hold out day 9-13 -
okay, jerry mcguire didn't work. it hasn't yet but as they say persistence breaks resistence. so i changed it up and came up with a couple of slogans. so on day 9 we went in to hear the offer they had in mind. 5 year contract extension, $18 million, $10 million guaranteed. terrible! so i threw out the saying that i thought best described revis' game:
darrelle revis - the o.j. simpson of defensive backs!
they didn't like that and asked us to leave. i guess they didn't appreciate the metaphor. i was only referring to the amount of takeaways revis intends to have this coming season. get it? interceptions. robbery. i know...genius! so i came up with another one.
the mike vick of cornerbacks!
get it? corner. quarter. that one didn't go over to well either. it sucks when u try to turn a negative into a positive and no one gets it. i didn't mean that he would kill your dog. geez.
rolling total:
late dvd fee: $60
meeting fee: $500
getting kicked out of the meeting again fee: $1800
hotel for 13 days: $20,800

revis hold out day 34-
after i got kicked out the last meeting, i had a great idea. i told revis he should turn his phone off for three weeks and see how good of an offer he might get. after he turned on his phone and checked his messages, he fired me. the jets were about to pull out of negotiation and trade him. so i got my stuff and went to the nearest bar and checked out by calling the hotel.
rolling total:
hotel for 34 days: $54,400
holding the room on a cancelled credit card fee: $8160
you shouldn't have fired me fee: $whateveridecide

revis hold out day 35-
revis calls my phone and realizes that he's sitting 5 people down from me. i was still in the bar so i didn't have to pay and leave. (liquor in n.y. is expensive) anyway, i was wasted again and started singing a song i made for revis:
"if i had a nfl team
first thing would be the first thing
i would sign darrelle revis
for 30 something guaranteed
minus my small fee"
all of a sudden, revis hugs me and calls me a genius. he picks up my tab and takes me to the airport and pays for my flight home.
fees: none

revis hold out day 36-
about noon i'm watching espn and i see that revis signs a deal for $46 mil with $32 mil guaranteed. wtf.

so that's why we're here. you've heard my case. i think i deserve to at least recover my fees which add up to a grand total: $4.6 million
and i better get my money. i hope he pulls a hamstring or something.

Dom
if nobody feels you, i feels you, feel me?
be easy coz life is hard...

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b.b.a.

this just in*** southwest airlines has come up with a marketing scheme to take over the skies. it all started when the airlines had an incident where a petite woman was flying standby. she boarded the plane, took her seat, got settled in, and was about to order a drink when she was approached by an overweight flight attendant. the flight attendant looked around and noticed that this lady stood out and was less intimidating than everyone else so she asked her:
"ma'am, could you follow me please? bring your bags with you. i'm going to have to ask you to sit this one out."
the lady was confused but obeyed anyway. as she was leaving, she noticed an obese teenage boy taking her seat so she asked:
"what's the meaning of this?"
the flight attendent explained that the boy needed to seats to sit comfortably and even though he arrived late, he is just a kid. they lady started getting loud and making a scene. that's when the flight attendent revealed the truth.
"we are secrectly operating under the fat albert laws where skinny people have to give up their seats to fat people. if there is room, all skinny people have to sit to the back of the plane. skinny people will now have to pay for two seats and fat people only have to pay for one. soon enough, this airlines will change it's name to b.b.a. for big booty airlines!"
hm...damn shame. discrimination on planes now. this has been another segment of random pic news.

Dom
if nobody feels you, i feels you, feel me?
be easy coz life is hard...

illiterate gangsta

hey peeps beware! in the midst of all the rain sweeping across the south-southeast region, a gangsta has emerged from the sea and flopped her way across land into driveways of many citizens. this picture displays the poor excuse for graffiti left by the so-called artistic gangsta. the first description given of the suspect(s) was two hispanic males with hoodies...don't wait for the rest of the description coz that's it. i know, that's very weak. so we did a little investigation of our own. we started a little sting operation where we built a 2 square feet, one story home out of cardboard. we didn't have time to build a garage so we took a picture of one in the neighborhood and taped it to the front of the box. then we hid in a nearby van parked in the neighborhood, just feet from the decoy home. the rain started pouring heavily and pretty soon we found our culprit!

yes dory. we all remember how illiterate she was in her debut movie "finding nemo". that was no act. it was for real. so after we detained dory, we tried questioning her about the tags she was leaving on cars, garages, and homes. she couldn't understand us so we contacted her translator, ellen degeneres. after hours of asking why and how, all she could say was "es-ca-pe!"
yeah...we know.
tune in next time for random pic news.

Dom
if nobody feels you, i feels you, feel me?
be easy coz life is hard...

parkinglot gangstaz

consumers beware! there's a new class of criminals haunting the parkinglots causing trouble at a department store near you. as you see in the picture here, there is a consumer out there riding around without their broken hub! the culprit allegedly removed the broken hub, and as he was spotted, he quickly threw the hub in a loose shopping cart and ran into a nearby neighborhood. the cart was later recovered but the vehicle it came from had already left the lot. at headquarters, we received a video from a group of thugs who call themselves pH short for parkinglot hoodlumz, who are taking claim to this minor act of terrorism. through the message full of poor, broken english and jargon, we deciphered that this is only one of many acts to come when the leader stated "we beez on a mission, a'ight?" we believe the worst has yet to come while most reasonable persons might think that the hub fell off and the owner discarded it in the shopping cart and left. hmm...
tune in next time for more random pic news!

Dom
if nobody feels you, i feels you, feel me?
be easy coz life is hard...